I'll soon be 44. Is it too late to reign in my life and have the orderly existance I have always imagined?
School is about to begin. My three oldest children are going to a "real" high school this year. I am relieved, but I feel like I took a wrong turn somewhere. I know this is better for everyone involved, and yet, this was not the vision I had back when they were little. Is my decision to not home school for high school a victory, or a defeat? It feels like a little of both.
School is about to begin. I still have 5 children at home with me, one with particular difficulties that need much more of my attention, one a brand new toddler, and 3 that are soaking up information like sponges, but who haven't yet formed good scholastic habits and need my constant prodding to do their work. See? They all need more of my attention.
I am desperately trying to get into better shape. It feels good, but is so difficult for me to be steady and regular. With anything. And I wonder why the kiddos mentioned above don't have good scholastic habits. But, I am stronger than I was a month ago, and maybe I'll get my hikes back into my day once school begins. I'll probably have to take the kiddos with me, but that won't be all bad. Will it?
Still dealing with "stuff". My heart is torn. I do not like empty spaces. But I lack the attention and ability to maintain little areas of decoration. My fireplace mantle has the same stuff on it since February. I lack the creative energy at the moment to picture a replacement. I guess I should at least dust it???
Icons. I love them. I am making progress (St. Photini is nearly finished), but my life is busy enough that even this outlet that I love gets shoved aside. I know they will wait.
Gardening. I love it, too. But my flower beds are horrid. Faded, overgrown, weedy. Ugly. I just want the first frost to come an lay it all low, so I can start again from fresh next spring. But, I should put some effort into it, and get it looking end of summer good. But when?
My tomato plant died. Lack of water. I have many things I bought in the spring, to plant, and they are nearly dead waiting for me to get them in the ground. I must at least prune them and water them and try to get them in the ground early fall. Where did this summer go?? My potted plants are all nearly expired. I guess I'll dump them all, and wait for the mums and pansies. Or until next spring. Hope does spring eternal, doesn't it?
The older my kids get, the less time I have for MY interests and pursuits. My decorating, my gardening, my painting. It is boiling down to shopping, cooking, driving, scheduling, keeping the chores on track, getting rid of stuff and getting new stuff, keeping on top of the endless paperwork involved in having children involved in anything. I am decreasing, they are increasing. Is it as it should be??
Everywhere I turn, things are screaming for my attention. LAUNDRY! DIRTY FLOOR!! DIRTY DIAPER!! CHORES UNDONE! KIDS NEEDING NUDGING!! FAT BODY!! WEEDS!!! DYING PLANTS!!! PHONE RINGING!!! UNOPENED PRAYER BOOK!! CRYING CHILDREN!!! DENTIST APPOINTMENTS!! FOOD!!
Anyway. This is why my blog has withered. I don't have time for the blog yelling at me to be profound, creative, witty and meaningful. I just don't. I was looking through the archives, and I am so glad I have them. I was good at this once. I am not now. I used to have (hold your hats on) 60+ visitors a day. Now, I have 8. So in reality, this blog isn't YELLING at me, it is whispering. Thank God.
So, I will plug along. I hope to get my footing in this new, ramped up phase of life. I am sure this is a natural transition, and I just need to adjust and things will settle back into some semblance of a routine. And then maybe the truly luminous thoughts that run through my head as I am falling asleep, or just waking, will translate into actual paragraphs and posts, and this can be the place I envision it once more.
Until then, just living this very full and demanding life is enough for me.