Friday, August 29, 2008

It is finished

Well, I did it. Said goodbye to my oldest child. Yes, I cried. It was the ugly kind of cry, I could tell, but I didn't care. It was a deep cry, from way down in the part of me that came to life the day he was born.

So here I am, telling myself this will be a great opportunity for him, he will be getting so many lessons and adventures there he just couldn't get here. He will be able to become his own man a bit, not always buffeted with the confusion and chaos of our house. But then, I know we won't be there. He won't have us and we won't have him, and my heart aches so badly. I desperately scroll past the last year and think, "Did I try every option, did I consider everything, did he really have to go away to get what he needs?" I have been through this a million times, wishing one overlooked option would settle the angst in my heart. But I know this choice is best for him, best for all of us, but how could it require a 12 hour drive between us? The discord is more that my brain can make sense of, and I just have to go ahead, be sad, and know that good things are often hard. One of the hardest things was to see all his siblings say good bye. The littles ones just don't understand why he is going away. That deep part in my heart doesn't really understand, either.

And I know this is simply the first of so many good byes with my children. So many.

In a strange way, I feel relieved that the day I have been dreading has come, he is off now, with his dad, heading to school, and while there were tears, we made it and will continue to make it one day at a time, until we see each other again.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


My oldest boy will be going to school this year. Not just any school, but a boarding high school in a different state. As we approach this last week before he leaves, there is the inevitable rush of packing, preparing, finishing last school year (eeps) and trying real hard not to think too much about the fact that he is leaving.

How does one go about letting the first of one's children go? Whew. This is hard. But I have so many other things to do, physicals, dental appointments, preparing for the other 6 students that are still home schooling, getting to the doctor for the pregnancy, and so on. The only thing that is keeping me sane right now is the mantra "One Thing At A Time".

First, the shopping
then the school work,
then the physicals
then make an appointment for me
then get my schedule in order for the school day
then go to the "good bye" gatherings with the various friends and family
then pack up
then say good bye

then start school here
then go the OB
then see what life presents after that.

sigh. Sometimes I wonder how I will do it. Then I realize I must.

The dentist, again

Off to the dentist today. They had told my my gum disease may flare up again if I got pregnant, so now we'll see what they say. This is my 3 month check up. I am bracing myself for a little disapproval, but hopefully I am just being silly. I'll let you know...

**UPDATE** They were terrific, congratulatory and so happy for me. Couldn't be better, and so far my gums and teeth are still in good shape. I am glad for the attitude adjustment I received today!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Check it out

I thought this was a really great post over at Amy Welborn's blog. The title caught my attention immediately: "Wisdom! Be Attentive!"

What do you think?

Monday, August 18, 2008

Pretty, I think

I don't have much today. Just trying to get my work done and not let the "what-if's" get to me. I am posting a few photos of prettiness I found a the thrift store.

The yellow enameled pan I call my "Happy Pan". It makes me so happy to use it! I got the picture and the black board at the thrift store, too. The blue things in the other photo are some of my favorites. The little vase is a bird bath with a yellow sweet bird on the edge. The aquarium decor is one of many vintage aquarium figurines I have collected, all from thrift stores. And the blue enameled pan is also so cute! I love shells, and the vintage shell night light is a classic!

Have a blessed day!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Good thing

Thank you for all you good wishes and prayers. I am feeling reassuringly awful, but found something very interesting today.

Since June, (before I knew I was pregnant) I have been going crazy for avocados. I can't get enough of them. I eat them straight from the skin, with a little salt and vinegar. They ease my queasy stomach, fill me up, and taste oh, so good.

So today I thought, "I wonder what is in avocados?" So I looked it up and what did I find:

In addition, avocados are the perfect food for pregnant women. The folate in one avocado per day provides almost 30% of the recommended daily dosage and helps prevent life threatening birth defects of the spine and brain.

Cool, huh?

Sunday, August 10, 2008

So this is what happens when you get rid of most of your baby stuff...

Didn't see this one coming, I gotta say! I am thrilled to be sure, but request prayers for a safe and happy pregnancy. Thanks in advance.

Oh yeah, did I mention I just had my 42nd birthday? What a year this will be, eh?

Friday, August 08, 2008


So, I'm a little late to the party, but none the less, have just started from the beginning of the series. I am about half way through the first season, and am completely overwhelmed, intrigued, and yet, not sure I can take 3 1/2 more seasons of this just to get caught up. Wow, the show has my head spinning. Any fans out there? Should I keep going?

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Still true

I am reposting this from two years ago July 5th. Of course, now this son is 15 years old, and today isn't his birthday, but he is about to embark on a new and exciting adventure come fall. This transition has been very painful for me, but one I know I must embrace and get through. I stumbled upon this post while looking for a different one, but boy did it speak to my heart. It is all still so true, and in these last few weeks before he heads off to his new school, I am holding these words close.

Today is the 13th anniversary of my eldest child's birth. This is the day that changed my life forever, adding such deep love, fear, uncertainty and richness that I could scarcely grasp it.

I remember when they first handed him to me, I looked at his face, searching for something I recognized. There was nothing, just a grip of fear so deep that it gave me a chilled sweat. "Good God, now what am I supposed to do??"

I was mightily disappointed that there was no rush of love, or devotion, or the universe opening up to me. I was just exhausted, afraid, and reeling from having just concluded the worst pain I had ever felt in my life.

My husband held him, had a deer-in-the-headlights look, but one of awe and love as well. I got to eat a little, shower, and change, and then my mom and dad came in. That's when it seemed real, and that's when the stirrings of possesion took place in me. I saw joy without fear, unconditional love, and delight all around in my parent's faces. I held my son again, and then he opened his eyes and gazed deeply, slightly bemused, into my eyes. Then I knew I was in this forever, come what may, and that this little person was my burst of joy so profound that I was no longer the same person.

I remember the feeling of not knowing what to do with him once we got home. I showed him his room, I held him, I put him down, I picked him up again. Then I just kissed his forhead and let the minutes soak in.

Now, he is 13. I again have the feeling of not knowing what to do with him. He is a new creature now, trying to be his own person, not certain how much of childhood to take with him. I want him to know that I still am in this forever, come what may. That he is the burst of joy that changed me forever, and that he is the child that gets the mom with the least experience and the highest hopes.

Mostly, I just want to soak in each moment with him, give him what every person needs, which is unconditional love, and a security in knowing the Source of that love. Love is not in me saying or doing the "right" things when I encounter him, it is me reflecting the unconditional love of his Creator, and letting my son get so comfortable with that knowledge that he never questions it.

So, the mystery continues for me, how someone could be so tightly woven into my very being, yet so completly seperate. I would give my very life for him, yet know very few of his real feelings and thoughts. That love means so much more than knowing someone. That love is much more about giving than receiving. That I want the best for him, yet am afraid of all the lessons he will have to learn to get the best. That he will be growing away from me, and it is as it should be. That love is more painful than I ever knew, and yet so worth every twinge. Love is a mystery.

Monday, August 04, 2008


We are having a great thunder storm now. Lots of lightening, rolling thunder, a big cool off, and rain to soothe my parched gardens. It is very dark for 9:30 in the morning, and I am enjoying the sounds, sights and smells of this refreshing summer storm. "Sweet summer rain, Like God's own mercy" Anyone know what that is from?

WOW! Huge thunder and lightening. I'm signing off for now, be back later.