Gift

So, today, I went through all the newborn clothes that I had used for Melanie. All the little t-shirts, the gowns, the swaddling blankets, the tiny dresses and diaper covers. I sighed and remembered as I folded each one, dividing the bounty between two bags. One bag goes to my sister in law, Heidi (regular commenter here =)., who is about to have her 12th baby. The other goes to a friend at church, who just had her first daughter. Admittedly, I reserved a few pieces just too precious to pass on, but I was strict with myself, because I have no need to save all these baby girl clothes. Even if I need them again, I can get them back or get more. There is never a shortage of cute baby girl newborn clothes!

Melanie was sitting on the floor by me, playing with some toys, clapping, cooing, babbling. I enjoyed telling her about her newborn days, and realized with a great deal of satisfaction that my pregnancy with her, her birth and newborn days were truly some of the most glorious of my life. I treasure all the memories of my babies, of course, but there was something truly different about her birth, and I think it was my appreciation of the miracle and gift that new life is. You would think that would have happened before, but I wasn't as receptive to the notion of "gift" as I am now. Life has a way of doing that, doesn't it?

Now that she is the ripe old age of 7 months, I do feel some of the "magical" quality of the past year fading away. The appreciation I have for the gift of Melanie isn't slipping away, just the crystalline, extraordinary sense of unexpected joy. She is settling in to the comfortable joy of the entirety of my life now, and her smoothing in is a good thing. But my, oh my, do I treasure those early days.

Brainstorm

It has been increasingly difficult to hold Melanie on my lap while trying to do anything on the computer. She is very intrigued with the keyboard, and wants to pound and pound on it. This has led to a few deleted blogs posts, closed tabs, and other minor mishaps. So today, after a futile attempt to distract her while on my lap, while I was trying to watch a netflix movie on the computer, I had a brainstorm.



We have lots of spare computer parts around here, so my son grabbed an old keyboard, and set it on the floor. Let the pounding begin!!

a very good day

Yesterday, I went for a long walk, first time since Melanie was born. It was a beautiful fall day, mid '50's, sunny, light breeze. I got the baby to sleep, swiped my husband's iPod (mine was lost, but I found it later in the day), donned my new walking shoes, fleece jacket, and new-to-me coral colored wool/hemp knit hat, and off I went. I estimate I walked about 4 miles. Loved every step. I am so refreshed, that I know I MUST make this more of a priority. I got to think through many thoughts that are interrupted at home. I think that is what is so refreshing about a good long walk, aside from the obvious physical effects. Uninterrupted lines of thought.

After returning, I busied through the rest of our day, and at dinner time my husband called from the train to invite me out to dinner. LOVELY! I thought, and the plan was to go to a little hole in the wall bar that has the best burgers. About 15 minute before he was to arrive, he called and suggested I meet him at a much nicer, much better restaurant by the train station.

So, I got ready to go, and realized that my walking clothes and tennies were fine for the hole in the wall place, but for this other place I would need to tidy myself up a bit.

I had a new pair of dressy trousers, a black turtle neck sweater, a black wrap, turquoise jewelry and my new-to-me coral colored wool/hemp knitted hat. It came together so quickly, looked so good, and was SO fun to dress up to go out. The dinners was delicious, I loved spending time with my hubby, and then was happy to go home again.

Overall, a refreshing day, restorative day, and a day I am grateful for.

Here's to more of those!!

Halloween '09

Our little Princess
Our Little Lamb with her handsome dad.

Our own Mr. Baggins


Elizabeth from "Pirates of the Caribbean"



Our Ice Queen, plus her cousin as ??

Our slightly creepy rag doll


Our little Lamb

Our Knight in Shining Armor

Perception

Good day, all! It seems to me that Melanie's addition to the family is just now starting to cause some serious re-arranging of my expectations. Up until now, she slept regularly, could be put down and stay there, and there were any number of arms clamoring to hold her. NOW, she is not content to be held very much. She is crawling rapidly, stuffing everything into her mouth (so now we vacuum daily. I know some people always vacuum daily, but around here, this is BIG NEWS). She is pulling up on everything, and needs constant supervision. She rarely naps in the morning (drat), but is a stellar cat-napper while nursing. One good 20 minute nursing session seems to equal a 2 hour nap for her.

Anyway, this is leading to me being a bit squeezed in the keeping of the home. Once again, I am back to priority only mode, this meaning meal prep, laundry, school and running kids from here to there and back again. No baking, no garden clean up, no long fall walks. But it is just fine, especially because watching Melanie discover so many new things is just as amazing as it was the first time I saw a baby explore her world. Even though this is the eighth time, it is just as exciting and amusing as ever!

BUT, praise God, I got the kids Halloween costumes a month ago, so that is all ready to go, and I am going to try to feed off the excitement building around here from the "middle kids". (I classify the 4 kids between 5 and 11 as the middle kids. They used to be the "little kids", but are now taking offense at that classification, so it has been duly changed). Just now, my 7 year old son walked into my room, and asked me when I was going to do my room for Halloween. He has made many paper bats and ghosts and wants me to hang them from my ceiling. I let him keep them all for his room, but he is aghast at my lack of decorating. The "middle kids" decorated the front porch with carved pumpkins, a scarecrow they made and various other hand made paper crafts.

I am amused by the difference in perception about the fall foliage between myself and my 7 year old son. While driving my eldest to school this morning, I was bemoaning the recent rain and wind had knocked all the leaves off the trees prematurely. It was so beautiful earlier this week, but didn't last long at all. My son, however, came to me this morning (with his shield made from cardboard and duct tape and a stick/sword) and said, "Thank you, trees, for looking so scary just in time for Halloween." See? It is all about perception!

Well, we have a full, busy, and fun weekend coming up, so I wish you all the same, and until next week, blessing to you all!



(Gratuitous baby picture. Notice her blurry hands? When she is being held, and sees me, she gets so excited she flails her arms and legs and smiles).

Seven Months

The Picture Tree

The trials of getting eight children all looking good in a photo. I am going with the first one for the Christmas card. It's as good as it gets!

Was it seven months ago already!

My hubby and I went away for the weekend with just the baby. It was fabulous, wonderful and refreshing. While we were there, Melanie turned seven months old, and began crawling all over the place, finding all the power cords and pulling herself to standing and pushing around a rolling ottoman. Wow. I'll post pictures of the wonderful time we had, when I have time. Until then, I am just enjoying remembering her tininess, now that she is getting just a bit more independent.

Blessings!

Baby

For our anniversary we went to a lovely aquarium, and of course, I did not bring my camera, because I always forget. However, my daughter brought hers, and took a million pictures of fish and reptiles, and one or two of Melanie. Here is one, and I love it! We had a fabulous day!

A Day to Celebrate

Today is my 17th anniversary. This morning my husband brought me a Starbuck's Latte to celebrate, and on the cup was "The Way I See It, #76". It reads as follows:

"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life." (Anne Morriss)

Now I could quibble here and there with a few word choices, but I am simply going to be grateful for the commitment my husband has to our marriage, the commitment I have to our marriage, and the shared liberation we therefor enjoy.

I also think it is pretty cool that this was the cup he was given while getting me a latte. Seems to me as if God was giving us a little thumbs up!!

The day I got married, I have to say, I could not see the fruits of our marriage, not even in a foggy, hopeful sort of way. I had no idea what life was going to bring. This morning, as I was sitting in the nursery (that used to be my icon room), with the baby, one daughter bringing me coffee, another bringing me some delicious cinnamon toast with pumpkin butter, and a few other children just sitting around, being a little sleepy, my husband walks in with the latte, a card and a nice bottle of wine for later. It occurred to me, that had I been asked seventeen years ago what my life might be like now, I wouldn't have ventured a guess that I would have a baby on my lap, seven other children, a bigger icon studio in the basement, 3 acres, and a vibrant life full of friends and family.

Mostly, I couldn't have even begun to understand the way love deepens and smooths, becomes so rooted and solid. And God willing we are less that half way finished with this process, so now, looking forward, I have a glimmer of what awaits me in love; and yet there are so many unknowns. But I have hope, the same hope I had on my wedding day, but now it is a hope that is far more formed. And for that, again, I am grateful.

For more ruminating on marriage I have the "Fourteen Years and Counting" under my favorite posts on the side bar. It is all still true.

A Break

School is chugging along in full force. I have actually been enjoying the process more than I expected, but I am busy every moment of the day. We have been having lots of conflict about internet use and rules regarding internet use. Part of our plan to implement restraint and intentionality about the time we spend on the computer is to take an internet fast. Probably for a week, maybe more, maybe less, but I will be absent from cyberspace for a while.

I have been doing a nature study co-op with 4 of my children and 4 other children, and it has been much fun and very successful. When I return to the blog, I will post some photos of out projects. This has been very fun, interesting and creative. I am looking forward to sharing our success!!

Anyway, God bless, and I'll be back soon!

Multi-tasking professional

In the last hour and a half I have taught a science class (including a lab) prepared chicken enchiladas for the kids' supper, nursed the baby to sleep, took a power snooze, scrubbed the shower, showered, changed, and am ready to pick up my younger kids from their co-op, take them to choir, bring them home, and then go out with my husband for a date. Phew. That beer is gonna taste FINE!

Gratitude

I weighed Melanie yesterday,and she now, at 6 months, weighs 17 pounds, just about doubling her birth weight. So, even though I haven't been worried about her weight gain for some time, it is nice to now she is "officially" at a weight that is "normal".


Melanie is giving me the best squishy hugs. When I first get her up in the morning she clings to my neck, and squishes her cheek up against mine. It reminds me of the icon at the beginning of this post.

In Conclusion...

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I am afraid, however, I didn't really make the point I was trying for. I am afraid I gave the impression of extreme discouragement, and that really isn't it at all. I actually think I am doing pretty well considering I know myself and all. I just had a little epiphany the day I wrote that post that I expend way too much energy trying to whitewash my actions so I can make an impression on others in order to make my life look more like theirs. I have spent way too much time coveting other people's gifts and talents, and under utilizing my own. I see other people's blogs and think "Who are these people, that can do so much, so well with such grace and enthusiasm?" But really, what I need to do is engage my own life, with grace and enthusiasm. I need to let others live and express their lives in their own way without seeing it as a reflection on my life or my flaws. See? I think I am finally getting it that IT really isn't all about me! =)

Anyway, just wanted to clear up that I am not discouraged, just really trying to be real, and make the inside me better and better, so it can be the same as the outside me. My goal, I guess, is to get to the point where I am the same inside and out. And I do think I am getting there, and I am glad.

In closing, here is another gratuitous baby picture, of her expression when she saw me walk into the room. If that doesn't sooth the soul, I don't know what does!!

I could have done a much better job on this, but that might be beside the point...

Image. It is all about image.

Fashion. Magazines. Television. Blogs. Even religion can fall into the trap of image. Is this bad? I am not certain, because the thing is, image works. People with more pleasing imagery attract more admirers. But does the person with the most admirers win? He does in business, as admiration usually means increased sales and profits. He does in school, as admiration usually means inclusion into some group, being part of something (The "Popular" crowd, the athletic crowd, the brainy crowd, even the stoner crowd). And in blogging, it means more readers, links, followers and comments.

It is definitely true in mothering. Image. How does your house look? Your garden? Your dinner? What kind of kitchen ware do you have? Your children, are they cute, have matching clothes and are they well mannered? And you, have you gotten your shape back after having your kids? And your clothing: are you dressed modestly, yet attractively, showing off your good figure, but not emphasizing it? Are you at peace? Do you have a good haircut, good hygiene, jewelry that enhances, but does not overpower? Do you wear make up that is subtle, natural, barely noticeable, really, but you shouldn't go with out it. And your marriage, is your husband your rock, your hero, your soul-mate? Are you appropriately balanced between submission and partnership, enough to consider yourself a Godly woman and wife? And can you pull all these things off effortlessly, allowing your true self to show through?

Then there is religion. Do you have a good, solid prayer routine, one that starts your day, guides your life, and gives you balance on a rough and winding road? But is it more that a routine, is it your life blood, your fuel. Are you able to gather your family every day, and pray, meaningfully and sincerely, and do your kids buy into it all?

Of course, then there are things like home schooling, gardening, decorating, and on and on and on.

What is my point of this rather acerbic rant?

I can not keep up. I fall short everywhere. I am truly fatigued from comparing my insides with everyone else's outsides. I am tired of fighting the temptation to covet everyone else's lives. I have come to the conclusion (a gift of grace, I am certain), that I am coveting an image, not a reality. And what a stinking waste of a sin. Coveting something that isn't even real, for heaven's sake. I try to be "real". As a matter of fact, I get feedback about my life from others, saying they really like how "real" my blog is. I like that too, but since I have tried to be more real and shed the image I was trying to sell, my readership has shrunk to a fourth of its old size. Image sells! I am pretty boring with out all the wrapping paper!

What on earth brought all this on? Well, I was putting together the 7 Quick Takes Friday post, and it made me want to throw up. I had one about a turtle we found in our driveway, and how I made it into a school unit study. Blech. I had one about a meal I made that was beautiful and delicious, and I even took pictures of it to post. Blech. I had one about the bird house my son and I built together yesterday, and how we researched blue birds so we could put it in the correct spot for optimal nesting in the spring. Blech. And so on. Yes, I did all these things. But I had put it all out there neatly wrapped up in "Aren't I amazing" paper like I can't believe.

The truth? I had been wanting to do a reptile unit with my middle kids for THREE years. But I never did. Then one day, I almost ran over a turtle in our driveway, and they begged to keep it, and I let them for 2 days. They had to read all about turtles to build it a good temporary home (and so did I), what to feed it, and they wanted to know if it was a girl or a boy, and how old it was. So we Googled it. NOW, I could call that a unit study, or I could just say I took full advantage of an opportunity and my kids curiosity. It all depends upon how I package it.

The truth? One night, at 5:00 pm, I needed a dinner. I scrounged around and came up with beef and veggies, marinated them in salad dressings, and put it on the grill. (If I recall, it was some feast day, so I wanted the dinner to be good, but hadn't really planned anything yet). It turned out wonderfully, and I took photos to show just how together I have everything. Never posted that, though, because really, I was winging it. Again, it all depends upon the image I am trying to give.


The truth about the bird house. My middle son has been asking to build something, anything, for half his life. I stumbled across a blue bird house kit (pre-cut, pre-drilled, nails included. Bluebird fact sheet included) at the thrift store. We had it finished in 20 minutes. Satisfying? Yes. Something to photograph and make into an intentional project? No. Again, flying by the seat of my pants here.

And so on.

The truth about me? I am disorganized. I procrastinate. My house is cleaned by my children once a week, and good enough is good enough for me (check out the background in Melanie's 6 month photos. My room is a mess). My garden is too full of weeds and I let my tomatoes rot, and there are too many decorations in it (I could take some lovely photos, though. I take a few snapshots of my last flowering plants, and cut out the dead ones I didn't water since July). I am fat, and apparently not particularly motivated to do something about it. I have too much stuff, and why? I am confused about what image I want to give: Artsy or crafty? Clever or thrifty? Creative or kitschy? I don't buy or grow organic food, unless it is on sale and I happen to be at the store where it is sold reasonably. My children are extremely average, well rounded, but average. I haven't sent out Christmas cards and letters for 3 years, because I couldn't really spin things properly, and the image was either going to be one of worried distraction and concern, or a big fat lie. I have watched T.V. every day since Melanie was born, and often watch the news while nursing her. I don't pray well or often (formally, that is. I pray that I won't screw up my kids every 5 minutes or so). I have a good solid marriage that is a so much work I can not believe it. I struggle with anxiety and depression, though not lately, and while putting on a brave face gets me through, it feels fake. Thankfully for well over a year now I haven't had to deal with that, and I feel authentic. Authentically flawed. I am sensitive, jealous, and a worry wart. I like clutter, and hate it. I feel passionately about controversial issues I don't blog about because I do not want to alienate people I care about. Is that authentic or a cop-out?



(Gratuitous baby picture of a last minute table center piece I put out on the Nativity of the Theotokos. I got the idea from a different blog, and followed suit.)


Any way, there you are. Baring my soul and the constant struggle for me to keep up with my obligations, and yet remain real. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than having to call B.S. on myself. ( And on that point I want to be clear. I am calling B.S. on MYSELF and MYSELF alone. No one should see this as a commentary on their life or their blog. Please. Really. )