Thursday, February 10, 2005
Off to a bad start today. Another verbal struggle with dh, leaving ds standing in the middle in such pain. This is what will stick in my mind. Ds, getting ready to go to work with his dad, standing by the back door in stocking feet, holding his book bag and shoes, quickly looking back and forth to me, to dh, and back. Ds tried to smooth things over, and that's not his job. At least twice a week, I get so angry at dh I feel hopeless about the future. Isn't that dramatic? Why is it I have to either be at peace or in utter turmoil? Why can't I go over a little bump in the day, as I would assume most married people do, without feeling as if our future is doomed to discord? I realize I am a master at highlighting all dh's faults, magnifying them really, until he is quite a monster. That is so unfair to him, and I must break that destructive habit. It is very difficult for me to let stuff go, becasue I am always afraid that will be interpreted as approval, and there are attitudes dh has about me I do not approve of. But I only know how to bite my tongue, or fight back. I need a new skill set, before I ruin this tremendous family God has given me. (sigh) I think I am going to go back to bed - l have a killer cold and feel lousy.