Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Holiday Havok


The holiday havok has hit me once again. I am stuck in the rut of all ruts, where my head is swirling with "must do's", "wish I could's" and "Oh, Dear Lord, how am I going to get all this done?". This happens every year at this time. Buying gifts on a very limited budget, stress. Watching the kids get so excited in anticipation, fear (what if I don't meet their expectations?), keeping school going here while trying to plan Christmas decorating, baking, cards, parties, Advent activities, AND, try to work in a walk or two (hasn't happened lately), make dinner, shop, do the blankety-blank laundry, make time to read aloud as my children are growing up everyday, have literally 5 out of 7 children inform me Sunday before church they don't have any socks, and by the way, their shoes are too small. I feel like I am going to explode! A friendship I depended on dearly has faded, and left me floundering. Haven't mentioned my husband who is trying to get his footing again in a job change, who needs my encouragement and support, and where do I get that from? Where is this endless stream of energy supposed to come from where I can attend to everyone's needs well, as well maintain some sort of "solid place" so I don't get knocked on my kiester. I know it's bad when every. single. Christmas carol I listen to brings tears to my eyes. The stark contrast to what the songs are about, and what my life is, breaks my heart.

I hate to whine and complain, but maybe someone has some magical piece of advice regarding how to begin to get my footing.

My poor little neglected icon wall is waiting to get the candles lit and I'll light a little incense and rest there a while. Tonight is vespers for the feast of St. Nicholas, which includs an anointing, which I am so looking forward to. Then its back to the battle. I am feeling much less than soldier like, to be sure.

So, a bit of anti-holiday cheer today. Maybe it was better yesterday when I had nothin'!

5 Comments:

Anonymous Heidi said...

Call your mother-in-law, cry on her shoulder and ask her to help with school while you get something else done. It couldn't hurt. I just told my chiropractor this morning that I'll be stressed from now until Christmas. Mostly trying to keep myself and the kids focused on school! Hopefully the anointing will help big time!!

December 05, 2007  
Blogger Hope said...

You sound way too hard on yourself my friend. There is no garden this side of heaven and we drive ourselves crazy trying to create one. Figure out what your goal is for the day and let the rest go. Wht is it you really need to accomplish and what can you let go of? I used to live by my to do lists that were always longer than the day. My worth equal to how many things I got checked off. I somehow thought that if I could just have one day where everything went as planned and the list shrunk to nothing then I could be happy. It never happened.
A friend told me not too long ago that really at the end of the day all I had to do was ask myself, "How well did I love today." Meaning how well did I love those around me. The rest simply does not matter. Yes, the laundry still needs doing, the children attended to, the husband encouraged. But none of it will get done perfectly and that's okay. Hang in there. The Light is coming.

December 05, 2007  
Blogger Lisa said...

Look UP! That's what I do when all I see is chaos down here! :o)

Praying for you and sending hugs!
BIG ones!

December 05, 2007  
Blogger Barb, sfo said...

It's OK to lay it all at God's feet and tell Him that you've got nothin' And really....what better time to be empty than Advent? We are waiting for the Lord to come and fill us.

December 05, 2007  
Blogger Maryellen said...

You have just painted a word picture of me 40 years ago, except you are truly 1/2 way there because you at least mentally know what it is you need to do. It's hard to "let go and let God" when a person is hard-wired with Anxiety.

You are too hard on yourself, just as I was. Hope's comments are right on target and I ditto her advice.

December 11, 2007  

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