Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Well, like I said to Jennifer, I should just hang up this blog and send everyone her way. Today she describes what I have been experiencing to a T. I have got to get the weight of this flippin' world off my shoulders. I have got to trust. This post is brilliant. Here's an excerpt that Jennifer took from St. Francis de Sales. I think I'm gonna have to get this book. Or, just get the good stuff from Jennifer. Anyway, here's the part the really hit the mark:

With the single exception of sin, anxiety is the greatest evil that can happen to a soul.

and this:

When you perceive that anxiety begins to affect your mind, recommend yourself to God. Resolve to do nothing that your desire insists on until your mind has regained peace, unless it is something that cannot be put off. In that case you must meekly and calmly try to check the current of your desires and restrain and moderate them as much as possible.

and lastly, this:

If it is out of love for God that the soul seeks escape from its troubles, it will do so patiently, meekly, humbly, and calmly and look for deliverance rather by God's providence that its own efforts...If it seeks deliverance out of self-love then, as if success depended on itself rather than on God, it will excite and wear itself out...Now if it does not immediately succeed in the way it wants it grows very anxious and impatient. Instead of removing the evil, it increases it and this involves the soul in great anguish and distress together with such loss of strength and courage that it imagines the evil it be incurable. [This] produces anxiety, and anxiety in turn produces sadness.

That last part, if I could highlight, circle, bold, star and make it flash, I would. That is me. First, I am relieved to get a diagnosis. But I am DISAPPOINTED that I find myself in this place, still, again, whatever. Have I made no progress? How can it be I have felt such intimacy with God, and then look around, and here I am again, anxious and sad?

Oops, there I go again, trying to heave-ho the heavy bag of my spiritual life on my shoulders. I have go to give it to God. And leave it there.

My motto, living life with an open hand has got to be more than a motto. I can envision a life lived where I completely trust God to give and take, and have utter confidence that it is all for the best good. But the urge to grasp, to take, to refuse to let go is so close it makes my fingers twitch.

So I turn to the prayer of Esther : "Lord, save me from my fear!!"


Blogger Michelle said...

In the past few months, I have experienced quite a bit of anxiety and sadness as I struggle to nurse the baby with no supplements. When I reached a low point several weeks ago, I finally surrendered to God, admitted my weakness, begged for help. Things started to get better, I was reducing the supplement, baby was gaining weight. Then, it stopped. Baby wasn't gaining and I had to up the supplement. Once again, anxiety and despair and tears. This time, I surrendered much more quickly.

We're slowly reducing the supplement again. I trust.

It would be nice if I didn't get to such a low point, but, then again, perhaps my love for God was getting complacent? Maybe God wanted me back on my knees really recognizing that without Him I am nothing, can do nothing.

December 11, 2007  
Blogger Renee said...

Maybe God doesn't want you to carry such a heavy load on your own shoulders. I don't know if he really wants us on our knees, or if he just wants us to rest in the fact that He will provide. I hope things are getting better now, and that watching your wee one get a little chub is joyful to you, and a cause for thanksgiving.

Thanks for understanding what I was trying to say Michelle. Your input is very helpful!

December 11, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pst... Sounds like menopause. EEK

Not making light in the least. I'm just VERY familiar with the feelings you've been describing. Sigh.


December 11, 2007  
Blogger Jennifer @ Conversion Diary said...

As you know, I can definitely relate. :) I thought it was somehow appropriate that today, the day after I wrote that post, I have been blessed with MANY opportunities to live this lesson. It's a whole lot easier to write and read about than to actually live!

Anyway, God bless you, and thanks for the link!

December 11, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My dear, dear SIL. You need to learn to forgive yourself, take a deep breath and say OK, let's try that again. As the old song goes, "pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again." And please remember that you are very much loved, not only by God and Mary, but by so many people here on earth. I know all too well what anxiety and sadness can do to one. In my case, depression. Those feelings of sadness and how come I can't get anywhere are still very near the surface for me. One thing that has helped is being able to ask others to help. And believe me, because of my huge amount of pride, that is one of *the* hardest things for me to do. But it helps to be able to let others take some of the load. And also, I had to learn to just let go. Take a breath and say, does it really matter? Do we really need to be focusing on this right now? If the answer is no, then don't do it. I hope I don't sound preachy. I just want you to know that you are not alone. And if I lived closer, I would love to come take some of your load. Or at least give you a big hug! Love you tons!!


December 11, 2007  

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