Saturday, September 17, 2005

" 'Wrath and anger are hateful things, yet the sinner hugs them tight.'

"That's indisputable, isn't it? Wrath and anger are hateful, and the sinner does hug them tight. (And yes, granted, your wrath and anger are perfectly justified, as are mine, but here we're speaking of sinners.)"

I just came across this little gem, and it pierced my heart. That's me. He is describing me. To a T. I am angry. Angry at what? At who? Everything, everyone. I get angry at the dog when she has to eat, or go out (always at inconvenient times), at the kids when they make too much noise, spill, leave a mess, need to have instructions repeated. I get angry at dh for being manipulative, distant, self absorbed, too clingy, demanding, uninvolved. I get angry at the baby for crying, needing me, poking me while she nurses, screaming. At anyone who intrurrupts me when I finally get a chance to write, read, or rest. I get angry at the vacuum cleaner, for clogging yet again. At my computer for not working properly. Okay, you get the idea.

How do I respond in anger? Sometimes a sharp word, and ugly look, and maybe a cabinet shut extra hard. Most of it stays inside, and is eating me up into a hollow, decaying person. Not that the people in my home can't tell I am angry. I am sure the family knows I am angry. They just don't know why, and knowing kids, they blame themselves.

What is it? Why am I angry? I have a great life, and yet I am utterly frustrated. I frequently feel I have no control over these emotions. "The sinful man shall be subject to them."

Reading further into this insightful post, I realize that I used to just have quick flashes of anger, and then *poof*, they would be gone. Now I am clinging, hugging, petting, nuturing, waiting for the next inevitable excuse to let it rip. This he describes as ill-tempered and sullen. EEEEWWWWW. I do not want to be described that way, and yet, I know it is accurate. I never realized until today that I did this. I have been trying to tell when is anger justified, and when isn't it in order to give myself any excuse for sin. I guess I should work under the assumption that it just isn't, and go from there.

Well, guess it's off to confession today. I want to let the author of this at Disputations to know how he parted the clouds for me today, and I can now put a word to the emotion. The clarity is delightful, and I thank you for taking the time to write this today.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

A number of busy Moms I know seem to have this irritability thing going on. Could it be that some of them just need down time - an afternoon to themselves to go for a walk, visit the library, have lunch with a friend (no kids), or sit quietly and look out the window? Moms who have a Grandma or a trustworthy sitter who can help with this once or twice a week seem to do better.

September 18, 2005  
Blogger Lisa said...

Okay, here's my two cents. I think you have a hormone imbalance. I know I do and I feel like this OFTEN. I've sent my saliva to be tested and I should know the results within two weeks. Then I can get some natural hormone replacement and start feeling like a normal person once again. My testing will let the docs know exactly what I need. I would encourage you to look up perimenopause on the internet---research it and see if this may be your problem. You deserve to feel good about yourself, your family, your life. Let me know what you think. Peace, friend.

September 18, 2005  
Blogger Lisa said...

look at

September 18, 2005  
Blogger Mama Heffalump said...

Um... sounds hormonal to me... I am in full blown menopause and have quite a dose of this myself. Ugh! Definitely worth looking into! Hugs!

September 18, 2005  
Blogger Mairin :o) said...

This was one of our readings at Mass last week. I unfortunately, or maybe, fortunately, recognized myself here. I have struggle to forgive. I felt that God was giving me a big poke, "Straighten up!" I feel the same way when I hear "If today you hear His Voice, harden not your hearts".

If you recognize a sinful behavior, then you can work to change it! Good for you.

September 18, 2005  
Blogger Mairin :o) said...

I apparently "have struggle" with grammar!

September 18, 2005  
Blogger Jessica said...

Very nice post, and I can completely sympathize. Is it hormonal? Is it stress? I have these same reactions at times. My laptop died yesterday and I think I slammed every door I opened for the next 2 hours. Juvenile? Yes, but it makes such a nice, authoritative noise when your angry.

The point is that ANY mom with the weight of the household on her shoulders and more than 2 things on her plate, is going to get angry and annoyed. Its what we do with the anger and annoyance that matters. Do we let it eat us up? (Like I often do) or do we offer it as a sacrifice, as our portion of the cross to bear?

Its hard. I know.

September 19, 2005  

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