It has been two years, without her
It has been two years since my cousin died. Two years today. I am reposting the tribute I wrote for her last year. I also included some prayers the Byzantine church says for the dead. May her memory be eternal!
In Memory of Mary, my cousin, my hero, my friend
This week was the one year anniversary of the death of my dear cousin. She was 43 years old. She had been chronically ill since she was 12. She had so many surgeries I can't count, but the partial list includes a colostomy, wrist fusion, bilateral hip replacements, knee replacement, heart valve replacement, spinal fusion from c-3 down, and some I am sure I am forgetting. She never lived out of her parents home, and was able to get around just long enough to graduate as an X-ray technician, but not long enough to ever work.
She was the best example of Christian joy I have ever known. Constanly smiling, joking, breaking any awkward moments with a joke. This woman, who had constant pain, was confined to a wheelchair, and over the years had to relinquish every single hobby and interest she had, was a delight and a comfort to all she met. She had been quite a needleworker which was ironic considering the rheumatic disease she had eaten away most of the bones in her hands. Yet she was always stitching something. Some of my most treasured possesions are the needlepoints she gave me: one for my engagement, one for my wedding, and one for the birth of my first child. I also have a Christmas Tree skirt she quilted. These projects took her months, sometimes years to finish, and even now, as I look at them, I feel her presence. People would unburden their souls to her, and request her prayers. She took this very seriously. People knew she remembered precisely what they asked to pray for, because she always asked later how the issue was going. She was concerned and empathetic to all my litte trials, even though they never measured anywhere close to hers. She always prayed, always.
She was always so kind to me when I was little. She was 8years older than me, and I have always loved her. I have a photo of me when I was 4 years old taken after she had dressed me up as a bride. It is in my curio cabinet, next to the grown up version, on the day of my wedding. I asked her to be in my wedding, which suprised her, since she was in a wheelchair. No one had ever asked her before. The other two attendants were 7 months pregnant, and my cousin, who was always joking and laughing said, "I know why you want the three of us rocking and rolling down the aisle before you - nothing like two pregnant woman and a cripple in a wheelchair to make you look tall and thin." In addition to being in our wedding, she was the Godmother to our first born. She really was the Godmother to our entire family.
She was always teasing about her disabilities. She was a strong believer in laughter as medicine, her favorite being Bill Cosby records. Because she had an electric wheel chair with a joy stick, she told my kids she was the remote control cousin. She had a smile and a laugh I pray God I never forget. She laughed from the soles of her feet. She loved to make her own cards, never forgot a birthday, loved music and endured many painful exercises by singing at the top of her lungs. Another cruel twist she had to endure was about a year prior to her death. She had repiratory failure, and had to have a tracheotomy. After she recovered, she could no longer sing.
She had a near death experience during that illness that changed her forever. Before she received the trach, she stopped breathing, and at that time, felt herself float up, watching all the commotion. Then she heard the most beautiful singing and music, sort of like Gregorian Chant, but more beautiful. She said she felt such tremendous love and peace, and was pain free. She thought, "O, I must be dying," and then all she could think of was to pray, "Mary, Jesus, Joseph, I love you" over and over. Suddenly she heard a voice, but not through her ears, just in her heart. "Will you still suffer for the poor souls that have no one to pray for them?" She told me this was in no way a demand, and she felt entirely free to say, "I can't anymore." She was painfree, engulfed in love, and so happy. And it was that same love that led her to say, "Yes, if You want me to." Suddenly the pain returned, she heard the commotion in the hospital room, and was aware of the tube down her throat. Later, after her trach was put in and she could whisper a little, she told us about the experience. She said that as much as she is tired of suffering, she had always seen it as her vocation. Now this was confirmed. She left the experience with one gift - her fear of death had completely left her.
After that experience, some of her medication was changed, and she got quite a bit of pain relief, I believe she estimated 45% reduction in pain. She was able to feed herself again, and the day before she died, she walked with a cane about 50ft.
Last Feb. 12, I had a routine ultrasound done in my 7th month of pregnancy. I had never wanted to know the gender of my unborn children before, but this time felt quite compelled to know. It's a girl! Now, to choose a name. Early the next morning, I recieved the phone call that my Cousin had a massive brain stem stroke, and was brain dead. I couldn't believe it. Although she was chronically ill, we never thought she was going to leave anytime soon. Actually, we were afraid that she would just keep degenerating, and suffering for years, and who knew the terrible mountain she would have to climb. My initial reaction was, Boy, am I going to miss her! Then, thank God she didn't have to suffer any more. She died a natural death later that day, sparing my aunt and uncle the agony of disconnecting her from life support.
Now, my baby girl is called by the sweet name of my sweet cousin. I feel God was consoling me before she even died by allowing me to know immediately I could honor my cousin by naming my daughter after her.
I think of her all the time, especially when I see or hear something funny. She appreciated humor so much, and although I pray for her soul, I also pray to her, and ask her to pray for me still, that I may have the humor, courage and faith needed to live out what God has asked of me.
I miss her so much, and treasure my memories and reminders of her.
May her memory be eternal!!
Holy God, Holy Mighty One, Holy and Immortal One, Have Mercy on us. 3 times
Glory to the Father and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, now, and always, and forever and ever, Amen.
Most Holy Trinity, have mercy on us. Lord, cleanse our sins; Master, forgive our transgressions; Holy One, visit and heal our infirmities, for thy name's sake.
Lord have mercy. 3 times
Glory to the Father, and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, now, and always, and forever and ever. Amen.
Our Father, who art in heaven.....
For thine is the kingdon, and the power, and the glory, Holy Spirit, now, and always, and forever and ever. Amen.
With the souls of the righteous departed grant rest, O Saviour, to the soul of thy servant, preserving her in that blessed life, which is had with thee, lover of mankind.
In thy rest, O Lord, where all thy Saints repose, grant rest also to the soul of thy servant: for Thou indeed lovest mankind.
Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. Thou art God, who didst decend into hell, and didst loose the bonds of the captive; do thou also grant rest to the soul of thy servant.
Now, and always, and forver and ever, Amen.
O Virgin, most pure and undefiled, who in a manner most ineffable gavest birth to God, pray Him that the soul of thy servant may be saved.
Have mercy on us, O God, according to thy great mercy, we pray thee, hear us and have mercy on us.
Lord, have mercy.
Again, we pray for the repose of the soul of the departed sevant of God, Mary, and that every transgression, both willful and involuntary, be forgiven her.
Lord, have mercy.
That the Lord God might establish her soul in the place where the just repose; let us ask for her the peace of God, the kingdom of heaven, and the forgiveness of her sins, from Christ, our deathless King and God,
Grant, O Lord,
Let us pray to the Lord.
Lord, have mercy.
O God of souls and of all flesh, who didst trample upon death, and didst overthrow the devil, granting life to thy world: do thou, Lord, grant rest to the soul of thy departed servant Mary in a place of light, in a place of verdure, in a place of rest, whence pain, sorrow and weeping have fled; and forgive her every sin, committed by word, by deed, or by thought, O good God who lovest mankind: for there is no man living who does not sin: thou alone are without sin; thy justice is justice eternal and thy word is truth.
For thou art the resurrection, and the life and the repose of thy departed servant Mary,
O Christ our God, and to thee do we offer glory, together with thy timeless Father, and thy most holy, and good, and life-giving Spirit, now, and aways, and forever and ever. Amen.
In the company of the Saints, O Christ of God, grant rest to the soul of thy servant, where there is neither pain, nor sorrow, nor weeping, but life without end.
May he who rose from the dead, Christ our true God, through the prayers of his most pure Mother, of the holy, glorious, and praiseworthy Apostles, of our holy and God-bearing Fathers, and of all the saints, establish in the mansions of the just the soul of his servant Mary, who has been taken from us, granting her rest in the bosom of Abraham, and numbering her with the righteous; and may he have mercy on us, as One who is good, and loves mankind.
May her memory be eternal!
(From the Byzantine Rite funeral service)