An anthology of conundrums
Oh, how I want to be able to post something profound, witty, timeless and of course, grammatically correct. I can't think of any one thing. I have a swirl of things in my head, and can not seem to settle on any of them long enough to make a real post topic. So, I guess, this will be an anthology of sorts. At any rate, maybe by putting them here, I can get them out of my head, so I can get some sleep.
This year, I will, in the span of 2 weeks, have a teen ager and turn 40. Double whammy. It's not that I mind being 40, as a matter of fact I am grateful, given the alternative. It's just that it seems like such a short time ago I was just in my early thirties, and something about the early thiries is very comforting. No more uncertainty of the twenties. My life is on a set path, more or less. And I have so much more time until I have to even THINK about being older. For some reason, the 40's, while I am sure they have their own gifts to give, make me look back more than I ever have. The continual desire to go back, and re-mother my first 3 children is almost painful. As I mother the next four through babyhood, toddlerhood and childhood, I am so much better at it now. But I can not; there are no do-overs. So now I have a near teen, and don't know how to do this either. Will I look back in my 50's, as I parent my younger children through their teens, and wish I could re-do my eldest's? Could I possibly be more intentional in my parenting with him now than I was when he was small? So many of his first 5 years were spent with me either sick and tired during 4 other pregnancies or sick and tired from post partum fogginess. I was in survival mode so much of his little years, and it makes me sad. But having larger spaces between my children would mean not having the children I have, and that is unacceptable. As much as I try to be calmer, more attentive, less critical with him, I still find myself responding to his needs and personality like I always have - in a state of reaction rather than proaction. My youngest will soon be 2. At her age, my oldest already had a sibling and I was expecting another. I marvel at the different mothers these two children have - the different families they are growing up in, really the different world's they inhabit. I only have maybe 5 more years with my oldest son, if that, and I want it to count. I don't want to want a do-over in 10 years, as he finishes his teens.
That leads me to the other swirling thought. My baby is almost two. Never have I had an almost two year old and not either had a new baby or been gigantically pregnant. I can honestly say, I am most pleased with this situation, and yet realize my fertile years are not endless; will I regret in the future not being more "proactive" in taking advantage of the last bit of my fertility? The thought of being pregnant and trying to manage my life as it is is FRIGHTENING, and yet, the thought of the child-bearing years being over is startling. I acknowledge that whether or not more children are in our future isn't entirely in my hands, but you don't monitor your fertility for 13 years without having some idea of what is going on. And this is a good thing, but puts a little more control in my hands than was there 10 years ago. So what to do with it? *sigh*. There aren't any easy answers for this...
Then there is the schooling issue. My oldest is doing well homeschooling academically, but I fear not so well in self discipline, competiveness and responsibility. I have checked out all the schools around here, and while one is mostly acceptable, the down sides are significant enough to give me pause. A fellow parent and I were brain storming and came up with the idea of a co-op for the upper junior high children in our families. Actually, there are 3 or 4 families that could use such an arrangement, and that would mean 10-12 kids. The parents are all a pretty talented bunch, and with the addition of our wonderful math, Latin, and chemistry tutor (another very talented person) and access to daily Liturgy, and such, this has given me a glimmer of excitement. I would so love to teach anatomy, as that is my specialty. I would also love to assist another talented parent in Literature and Composition, as it is a true love of mine. I would still like to be involved in my older children's educations, but feel a need to expand their horizons for their sakes. Please pray for our situation, that this inspiration was God sent, and that He will assist us in this endeavor.
Okay, while there are a few more swirlies, I think I will try to leave it at this for now, and continue a different day.
Thankyou all, by the way, for your comments on my icon. I would like to go through and explain the symbolism and theology behing the icon, when I have time. Maybe once I get these swirlies settled down, I'll be able to focus a little better.
Blessing to you all, and rest assured of my daily prayers for all my blog buddies, known and unknown!