It is finished

Well, I did it. Said goodbye to my oldest child. Yes, I cried. It was the ugly kind of cry, I could tell, but I didn't care. It was a deep cry, from way down in the part of me that came to life the day he was born.

So here I am, telling myself this will be a great opportunity for him, he will be getting so many lessons and adventures there he just couldn't get here. He will be able to become his own man a bit, not always buffeted with the confusion and chaos of our house. But then, I know we won't be there. He won't have us and we won't have him, and my heart aches so badly. I desperately scroll past the last year and think, "Did I try every option, did I consider everything, did he really have to go away to get what he needs?" I have been through this a million times, wishing one overlooked option would settle the angst in my heart. But I know this choice is best for him, best for all of us, but how could it require a 12 hour drive between us? The discord is more that my brain can make sense of, and I just have to go ahead, be sad, and know that good things are often hard. One of the hardest things was to see all his siblings say good bye. The littles ones just don't understand why he is going away. That deep part in my heart doesn't really understand, either.

And I know this is simply the first of so many good byes with my children. So many.

In a strange way, I feel relieved that the day I have been dreading has come, he is off now, with his dad, heading to school, and while there were tears, we made it and will continue to make it one day at a time, until we see each other again.