Wednesday, July 28, 2010

So Much.

There is so much. Really.

I'll soon be 44. Is it too late to reign in my life and have the orderly existance I have always imagined?

School is about to begin. My three oldest children are going to a "real" high school this year. I am relieved, but I feel like I took a wrong turn somewhere. I know this is better for everyone involved, and yet, this was not the vision I had back when they were little. Is my decision to not home school for high school a victory, or a defeat? It feels like a little of both.

School is about to begin. I still have 5 children at home with me, one with particular difficulties that need much more of my attention, one a brand new toddler, and 3 that are soaking up information like sponges, but who haven't yet formed good scholastic habits and need my constant prodding to do their work. See? They all need more of my attention.

I am desperately trying to get into better shape. It feels good, but is so difficult for me to be steady and regular. With anything. And I wonder why the kiddos mentioned above don't have good scholastic habits. But, I am stronger than I was a month ago, and maybe I'll get my hikes back into my day once school begins. I'll probably have to take the kiddos with me, but that won't be all bad. Will it?

Still dealing with "stuff". My heart is torn. I do not like empty spaces. But I lack the attention and ability to maintain little areas of decoration. My fireplace mantle has the same stuff on it since February. I lack the creative energy at the moment to picture a replacement. I guess I should at least dust it???

Icons. I love them. I am making progress (St. Photini is nearly finished), but my life is busy enough that even this outlet that I love gets shoved aside. I know they will wait.

Gardening. I love it, too. But my flower beds are horrid. Faded, overgrown, weedy. Ugly. I just want the first frost to come an lay it all low, so I can start again from fresh next spring. But, I should put some effort into it, and get it looking end of summer good. But when?

My tomato plant died. Lack of water. I have many things I bought in the spring, to plant, and they are nearly dead waiting for me to get them in the ground. I must at least prune them and water them and try to get them in the ground early fall. Where did this summer go?? My potted plants are all nearly expired. I guess I'll dump them all, and wait for the mums and pansies. Or until next spring. Hope does spring eternal, doesn't it?

The older my kids get, the less time I have for MY interests and pursuits. My decorating, my gardening, my painting. It is boiling down to shopping, cooking, driving, scheduling, keeping the chores on track, getting rid of stuff and getting new stuff, keeping on top of the endless paperwork involved in having children involved in anything. I am decreasing, they are increasing. Is it as it should be??


Anyway. This is why my blog has withered. I don't have time for the blog yelling at me to be profound, creative, witty and meaningful. I just don't. I was looking through the archives, and I am so glad I have them. I was good at this once. I am not now. I used to have (hold your hats on) 60+ visitors a day. Now, I have 8. So in reality, this blog isn't YELLING at me, it is whispering. Thank God.

So, I will plug along. I hope to get my footing in this new, ramped up phase of life. I am sure this is a natural transition, and I just need to adjust and things will settle back into some semblance of a routine. And then maybe the truly luminous thoughts that run through my head as I am falling asleep, or just waking, will translate into actual paragraphs and posts, and this can be the place I envision it once more.

Until then, just living this very full and demanding life is enough for me.


Anonymous heidi said...

Renee, you are amazing!! Love you!

July 28, 2010  
Anonymous melissa6 said...

i so hear you loud and clear.....i am 43 and 8 mths preg with no.7....i feel like i am in a thick fog at the moment...every little thing takes so much effort...and by the are still good at this!!!!.........

July 28, 2010  
Blogger Mimi said...

I agree, you are amazing. The choices that have been made sound very good all the way around.

Hugs, love and prayers.

July 28, 2010  
Blogger owenswain said...

You are fulfilling your vocation. God bless you.

July 28, 2010  
Anonymous Elizabeth Foss said...

Gosh, I can soooo relate. God bless you. I think 44 might just be my hardest age yet and I'm only halfway through it.

Hmmm, that wasn't very encouraging was it?

How about: I'm right there with you, praying for you as we struggle together.

July 28, 2010  
Blogger Elizabeth @ The Garden Window said...

I'm struggling along with you, if that's any consolation........
my love and prayers for you all.

July 29, 2010  
Blogger Cay Gibson said...

Wow! I could have so written this post. Infact I've written it a dozen times in my head but never on my blog. My poor little blog has waned terribly in the past year or so. It's become a picture album at best and that's because I don't want my children to forget all we did and ask "What did we do...?" and not be able to show them. I don't print picture anymore. They all go on my computer. The best go on my blog. A splash board go on FB.

So thank you for writing this post. My post.

Btw, I'm 44 too. ;-)

July 29, 2010  
Anonymous Aileen said...

Well, you were definitely more ambitious than I when you started homeschooling! I'm just in the beginning stages, and my plan is to stick with a set curriculum (which may very well blow up in my face at some point down the road) and send my kids to a "real" high school. You know, 8 years from now. I certainly wouldn't call your decision a defeat; I would call it a victory, in that you made a decision that you think will be beneficial for you, your kids, and your family as a whole.

I, too, need to get in better shape. I keep thinking I'll take all the kids on a walk, but it never happens. What I need to do is take them to the park more, b/c just being out there w/them is fun exercise! I've also been trying to spend more time tending to the yards; pulling obstinate weeds really works up a sweat!

Dealing with stuff is such an ongoing battle. Your Feb. mantle was the one with all the lanterns, right? I loved it! You know, I like the idea of having seasonal decor, but 1)the things that aren't in season take up storage space and contributes to the...STUFF and 2)it takes upkeep, and I'm really, really bad about dusting. I think for the most part, I'll stick with decor that looks nice year-round!

Your icons. My stamping and sewing. *sigh* They'll wait, indeed. In my case, buried. Maybe they'll resurface next Lent. One can hope, anyway...

I have a black thumb, so your gardening lingo is foreign to me.

You decreasing and the kids increasing. Sounds like the natural way of things, I guess. Kinda depressing for a mom of littles, though. I thought they were supposed to help out more when they got older? Maybe we'll rebound when the kids are out of the house and we can focus on ourselves again?

Well, you've got your priorities straight. What would it matter if your blog was sparkling and profuse and profound if you were neglecting your home life? It would be a sham I tell you!

Remember, this blog is for you. We loyal followers just get to enjoy the perks. :) Even if they're just pictures; you can get a lot across through those. I shudder to think of the number of pictures on my camera that need to be uploaded. I may take all of Sunday to do just that.

July 30, 2010  
Blogger Renee said...

Thanks everyone. As strange as it sounds, it is comforting to know that these sorts of struggles are shared by others. So this is "normal"?

I am glad to be living this life, just continually shocked by the demands of it. I am grateful for my life, for the people in it, and for all your encouragement!!

July 31, 2010  
Blogger Melanie Bettinelli said...

Oh Renee! I'm in a completely different place in so many ways; but at the same time this all sounds so familiar: the feeling of being overwhelmed and out of balance; the struggle to find peace on what seem like a dozen different fronts; the undusted, dirty, cluttered house; the stuff not dealt with; the garden unweeded and tended only half-heartedly when I happen to remember.

I'll admit it's a little hard thinking that I might be feeling the same way in 8 years as I do now; but I suppose God knows what we need in this long process of sanctification? My prayers are with you as I ponder the 8 boxes of baby clothes currently waiting to be sorted in my living room and meanwhile taking up all the usable sitting space. I'll try to offer up those boxes for you as I sort and fold and try to part with at least some of those dear outfits. Sigh.

July 31, 2010  
Blogger Renee said...

Thanks Melanie! I'll do the same here as I sort, purge, and sniff.

It seems as if the years you are in now are crazy busy. Then, it smooths out for a bit (say when my oldest was 12, things were easier, more controlled). 5 years later (my oldest is 17), and it is crazy busy again, and it did catch me off guard. But, just as I got through it before, with many blessings and joys attached, I am sure I'll get through this too. I am trying so hard to be intentional with my children, as literally, the older ones will be gone in a blink!

July 31, 2010  
Blogger Renee said...

Thanks Melanie! I'll do the same here as I sort, purge, and sniff.

It seems as if the years you are in now are crazy busy. Then, it smooths out for a bit (say when my oldest was 12, things were easier, more controlled). 5 years later (my oldest is 17), and it is crazy busy again, and it did catch me off guard. But, just as I got through it before, with many blessings and joys attached, I am sure I'll get through this too. I am trying so hard to be intentional with my children, as literally, the older ones will be gone in a blink!

July 31, 2010  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is my first visit to your blog and I think it was meant to be! I'm 44 and having a very rough year; a cry out to Jesus kind of year. It's not the number...I've never really felt that I was getting old. It's the lack of peace. My youngest will be 14 on Friday, with one starting his Jr.year in college and another her Sr.yr. in high school. Kind of a "who am I now?" phase of life...and it's killing me! Thanks for the commiseration! And now onward and upward!

August 02, 2010  
Blogger Renee said...

Welcome, anonymous! I don't feel old, either. But squished, pinched, disappointed. You put it well, Who Am I NOW. or, Who Am I NOT.

Anyway, yes, onward and upward, and thanks for visiting.

August 02, 2010  
Anonymous Adrienne said...

I'm 53 and totally immature. Started home schooling my daughter in grade 9. I just found your blog!!! I am awaiting my transfer from the RC church to the Ukrainian Catholic Church. I hope you'll post more; it's hard to find other EC bloggers. many Blessings!

August 02, 2010  
Blogger Renee said...

We transferred from Roman Catholic to Romanian Catholic. It has been such a blessing for our family, and in particular for my husband and I. God called us to the East, we feel, and now we appreciate the West even more. I do not feel one is supreme to the other, but the church, in all generosity, can meet he needs of all her children. I hope to get back to some of my posting on church goings ons. It has been a while, and I miss it. Thanks for visiting!!

August 02, 2010  

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