As I have moved through the adult years of my life, I have always had an unsettling feeling that I am consistently just behind the eight ball. I would have a vague idea of where I was headed, but just as I would be dreaming of the the perfect me I was going to create, BAM!, my life would take a turn and I would be dealing with that, and put off the perfect me for later. This cycle has repeated itself over, and over. At some point, actually, now, I came to realize that I am looking at this all wrong. I have been feeling like I haven't actually gotten to do anything yet, because my life keeps getting in the way. While I have been off, daydreaming about the me I could be if only my life would stop jerking me around, my life has been happening, and, I might add, happening in a rather remarkable way.
Whenever I watch movies like "Amadeus", or "Immortal Beloved", I am struck by the passionate nature of being a conduit to God's Creative Genius. To be an instrument in the creative process, to be an Image of God in the creation of beauty is awe inspiring. Even in these flawed people, the power and glory of Creative Genius would be flowing through them, often at great cost to the composers. My, how they wrestled with the music in their very souls! To find the right balance between the Music inside, the humanity of the composer, and the world in which the music is being poured, epic tales of passion, pain, and beauty were made.
Just as no composer can take full credit for their music, for they credit God, or a Muse, or whatever, I cannot take full credit for my life as it has unfolded. The blessing of children is not something I could make happen on my own, but my cooperation is essential. As I see it now, each one of my children is like another movement in a grand concerto, unique but complimentary, different in mood and personality but essential for the fulfillment of the composition.
When Melanie arrived in my family after a 5 year span of thinking that that phase of my life was over, it was as if the Grand Finale had been written for my concerto. It was with awe and amazement that I received her and the family felt like it had been waiting for her forever.
But now, it seems as if our concerto is going to get an Encore!
Encore! Wow, see, encores can be quite delightful, but a bit unexpected. An unexpected joy.
(so the expected arrival of our Encore is just in time for my 45th birthday (mid summer). The word "daunted" keeps coming to my mind, about all this. Prayers are begged for health, safety and peace. Thank you!)