Saying what I mean, and meaning what I say
It seems that for all the contentment and peace I had in my last pregnancy, this one has offered equal measures of anxiety and fear. Firstly, hoping and praying this baby is born into the world and into Holy Baptism. Secondly, how is my 45 year old body going to take this? Thirdly, how am I going to do all I need to do this year and beyond? Next year schooling with a 2 year old and an infant. Of course I have done that before, but it was so challenging, and I was so much younger. Whew.
I know this child is a gift. There is an excitement about this new turn in our road that is bubbling just below my surface. I want to let it break free, but the fear in me is keeping it down. So if you all have any extra prayers for me, it would be for me to embrace and believe, "Be Not Afraid".
I find I am being called to put my money where my mouth is, so to speak. So many people asked me after Melanie was born, when I was 43, if I was going to have any more. I always said, "I don't know. Not up to me." A flip little response that kept some rudeness at bay. But in my mind I thought, "Probably not. I mean, I am 43 for heaven's sake". Many, many times I have been questioned, grilled even, about why I have so many children, how many more will I have, how many is "enough". I have always answered that I am open to life, so I can't answer the how many question. Then, when for 5 years I had no babies, and I thought that time had passed for me, I grieved and realized the flip side to "open to life". And then Melanie arrived, and "open to life" took on yet another meaning to me. And now this one expands the meaning once again.
The little platitudes I have passed out to curious onlookers, like "open to life", "there is always room for one more" and "I don't know how many" are being proven to be the God's Honest truth. I know I meant them at the time, but I have to say I didn't really know what that all meant, practically speaking. Honestly, I still don't. I don't know what all will be asked of me, but I am doing it, one day at a time, one prayer at a time. I do not want fear to block the blessings, so I am trying with all my heart to maintain my joy, and hope that peace will follow. Pray for me~