Saying what I mean, and meaning what I say

So, I heard the baby's heartbeat this week. Whew. I have been holding my breathe for a few weeks now, and it feels good to inhale finally. I usually don't approach medical intervention this early in a pregnancy, so I have never had the experience of going to an appointment and not hearing a heartbeat. That is what happened two weeks ago, and then because of a "weak" pregnancy test, the midwife expressed some concern about the viability of this pregnancy. I had a blood test done, and it came back "appropriate", and then, this week, after a lengthy attempt, we finally heard the little flutter of a teeny, tiny heart beat.

It seems that for all the contentment and peace I had in my last pregnancy, this one has offered equal measures of anxiety and fear. Firstly, hoping and praying this baby is born into the world and into Holy Baptism. Secondly, how is my 45 year old body going to take this? Thirdly, how am I going to do all I need to do this year and beyond? Next year schooling with a 2 year old and an infant. Of course I have done that before, but it was so challenging, and I was so much younger. Whew.

I know this child is a gift. There is an excitement about this new turn in our road that is bubbling just below my surface. I want to let it break free, but the fear in me is keeping it down. So if you all have any extra prayers for me, it would be for me to embrace and believe, "Be Not Afraid".

I find I am being called to put my money where my mouth is, so to speak. So many people asked me after Melanie was born, when I was 43, if I was going to have any more. I always said, "I don't know. Not up to me." A flip little response that kept some rudeness at bay. But in my mind I thought, "Probably not. I mean, I am 43 for heaven's sake". Many, many times I have been questioned, grilled even, about why I have so many children, how many more will I have, how many is "enough". I have always answered that I am open to life, so I can't answer the how many question. Then, when for 5 years I had no babies, and I thought that time had passed for me, I grieved and realized the flip side to "open to life". And then Melanie arrived, and "open to life" took on yet another meaning to me. And now this one expands the meaning once again.

The little platitudes I have passed out to curious onlookers, like "open to life", "there is always room for one more" and "I don't know how many" are being proven to be the God's Honest truth. I know I meant them at the time, but I have to say I didn't really know what that all meant, practically speaking. Honestly, I still don't. I don't know what all will be asked of me, but I am doing it, one day at a time, one prayer at a time. I do not want fear to block the blessings, so I am trying with all my heart to maintain my joy, and hope that peace will follow. Pray for me~

A Cutie

Yesterday, after doing 4 pages of math IN A ROW, my six year old said, "I am glad we are finished. That was making me itch".

Same child, upon hearing about the new baby on the way said, "Oh, so now you'll get thinner!". "No", I answered "I'll get thicker. Much thicker".
If only...

Thanks, and wisdom

I appreciate your encouragement. Seems as if I need it badly, as I am a ball of anxiety right now. And, today's Henri Nouwen quote is perfect for me, and I hope helps someone else today, as well. Blessings!

From Unceasing Thinking to Unceasing Prayer

Our minds are always active. We analyze, reflect, daydream, or dream. There is not a moment during the day or night when we are not thinking. You might say our thinking is "unceasing." Sometimes we wish that we could stop thinking for a while; that would save us from many worries, guilt feelings, and fears. Our ability to think is our greatest gift, but it is also the source of our greatest pain. Do we have to become victims of our unceasing thoughts? No, we can convert our unceasing thinking into unceasing prayer by making our inner monologue into a continuing dialogue with our God, who is the source of all love.

Let's break out of our isolation and realize that Someone who dwells in the center of our beings wants to listen with love to all that occupies and preoccupies our minds.

My Masterpiece

As I have moved through the adult years of my life, I have always had an unsettling feeling that I am consistently just behind the eight ball. I would have a vague idea of where I was headed, but just as I would be dreaming of the the perfect me I was going to create, BAM!, my life would take a turn and I would be dealing with that, and put off the perfect me for later. This cycle has repeated itself over, and over. At some point, actually, now, I came to realize that I am looking at this all wrong. I have been feeling like I haven't actually gotten to do anything yet, because my life keeps getting in the way. While I have been off, daydreaming about the me I could be if only my life would stop jerking me around, my life has been happening, and, I might add, happening in a rather remarkable way.

Whenever I watch movies like "Amadeus", or "Immortal Beloved", I am struck by the passionate nature of being a conduit to God's Creative Genius. To be an instrument in the creative process, to be an Image of God in the creation of beauty is awe inspiring. Even in these flawed people, the power and glory of Creative Genius would be flowing through them, often at great cost to the composers. My, how they wrestled with the music in their very souls! To find the right balance between the Music inside, the humanity of the composer, and the world in which the music is being poured, epic tales of passion, pain, and beauty were made.

Just as no composer can take full credit for their music, for they credit God, or a Muse, or whatever, I cannot take full credit for my life as it has unfolded. The blessing of children is not something I could make happen on my own, but my cooperation is essential. As I see it now, each one of my children is like another movement in a grand concerto, unique but complimentary, different in mood and personality but essential for the fulfillment of the composition.

When Melanie arrived in my family after a 5 year span of thinking that that phase of my life was over, it was as if the Grand Finale had been written for my concerto. It was with awe and amazement that I received her and the family felt like it had been waiting for her forever.

But now, it seems as if our concerto is going to get an Encore!

Encore! Wow, see, encores can be quite delightful, but a bit unexpected. An unexpected joy.

Encore!

(so the expected arrival of our Encore is just in time for my 45th birthday (mid summer). The word "daunted" keeps coming to my mind, about all this. Prayers are begged for health, safety and peace. Thank you!)

My 2011 Word.

As I have mentioned frequently this past year, I want to get back to more regular blogging. I miss the untangling of my thoughts, and the relief I get from putting the chaos of my mind down in an orderly way. I love written words, and have had a mighty difficult time using them this past year.

It took me some time to determine what some obstacles were in writing. I was having other difficulties this year, as well, short attention span, general malaise, restlessness. I had the fortunate ability for some spiritual guidance this fall, and it has slowly been weaving it's way into my plan for the new year.

Many people choose a "word" for the new year. I tried it last year. I chose "Hope". I think it helped, despite my sluggishness, I had hope that with perseverance, I would make the most out of the life I have been given. But things never quite work out the way I think they will, and my ideas of improvement aren't always God's idea.

So this year, I believe my new word will be "Silence". It almost makes me laugh. Silence in a house full of people? Silence. But that is what I need regularly so I can think, and contemplate, and untangle. Not enough silence has led to this year of fallow blogging as well as a generalized confusion and superficiality in me.

Silence. How will I find it? I'll have to take it in bits and pieces. Early morning, maybe. In the car. Off goes the radio. Really need to get outside and stroll. That always helps. Putting away the iPhone unless I really need it, no mindless surfing. It is a start.

Wishing you all a fruitful New Year!

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