Wednesday, July 05, 2006

A Day That Changed my World

Today is the 13th anniversary of my eldest child's birth. This is the day that changed my life forever, adding such deep love, fear, uncertainty and richness that I could scarcely grasp it.

I remember when they first handed him to me, I looked at his face, searching for something I recognized. There was nothing, just a grip of fear so deep that it gave me a chilled sweat. "Good God, now what am I supposed to do??"

I was mightily disappointed that there was no rush of love, or devotion, or the universe opening up to me. I was just exhausted, afraid, and reeling from having just concluded the worst pain I had ever felt in my life.

My husband held him, had a deer-in-the-headlights look, but one of awe and love as well. I got to eat a little, shower, and change, and then my mom and dad came in. That's when it seemed real, and that's when the stirrings of possesion took place in me. I saw joy without fear, unconditional love, and delight all around in my parent's faces. I held my son again, and then he opened his eyes and gazed deeply, slightly bemused, into my eyes. Then I knew I was in this forever, come what may, and that this little person was my burst of joy so profound that I was no longer the same person.

I remember the feeling of not knowing what to do with him once we got home. I showed him his room, I held him, I put him down, I picked him up again. Then I just kissed his forhead and let the minutes soak in.

Now, he is 13. I again have the feeling of not knowing what to do with him. He is a new creature now, trying to be his own person, not certain how much of childhood to take with him. I want him to know that I still am in this forever, come what may. That he is the burst of joy that changed me forever, and that he is the child that gets the mom with the least experience and the highest hopes.

Mostly, I just want to soak in each moment with him, give him what every person needs, which is unconditional love, and a security in knowing the Source of that love. Love is not in me saying or doing the "right" things when I encounter him, it is me reflecting the unconditional love of his Creator, and letting my son get so comfortable with that knowledge that he never questions it.

So, the mystery continues for me, how someone could be so tightly woven into my very being, yet so completly seperate. I would give my very life for him, yet know very few of his real feelings and thoughts. That love means so much more than knowing someone. That love is much more about giving than receiving. That I want the best for him, yet am afraid of all the lessons he will have to learn to get the best. That he will be growing away from me, and it is as it should be. That love is more painful than I ever knew, and yet so worth every twinge. Love is a mystery.

Happy Birthday, son. I love you!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a beautiful testimony of love, Renee!

July 05, 2006  
Blogger Mimi said...

I so remember those feelings of "now what?" with the wee one!

Happy Birthday to your son! Many Years!

July 05, 2006  
Anonymous Mama T said...

Well, I'm glad I'm not the only one who had that "now what?" feeling. I still remember it, 20+ years later!

Your post is beautiful, and your son is lucky to have such a lovely mom.


July 05, 2006  
Blogger ukok said...

Happy Birthday to Renee's son!!!

oh dear, it took me about 9 months to get over the shock of having a real baby to look after..I got no sleep with either of my children until they were each four years old, so although there WERE wonderful moments, I remember those early years in an emotional blur.

God Bless you!

July 05, 2006  
Blogger Ma Beck said...

Awwwwwwwwwww! What a sweet, sweet post!
Beautiful, and Happy Birthday to your Big Boy.

July 05, 2006  
Blogger glorybe said...

How beautiful and so true! I felt so much the same way. You can really see it in the videos taken at the hospital.

You captured some awesome moments. (I am amazed at how wonderful your descriptions are) Happy Birthday to your first-born baby boy!

July 05, 2006  
Blogger Mrs. House Mouse said...

Happy Birthday! He's a teenager now... a totally different creature, indeed! LOL!
This post is beautiful, Renee, Thank you for sharing it with all of us! :o)

July 06, 2006  
Blogger Lori said...

How beautiful!! Happy Birthday!!!

July 07, 2006  
Blogger Suzanne said...

Oh, I am here a little late for the celebration, but Happy Belated Birthday to your son! Your post brought up so much within me. It is so true how it just overtakes you with awe and then now, we look at them and we question what to do all over again! I needed to read this and I am going to reread it again. May I try to recapture those awesome feelings and thoughts...thank you! Suzanne

July 07, 2006  
Blogger Elena said...

I know the feeling Renee! You often put into words feelings I have had myself. Happy belated birthday to your new teenager!

July 09, 2006  
Blogger The Kitchen Madonna said...

It is now officially time to call on St. Pier Giorgio Frassati, that Italian studmuffin who was an athelete, chaste teen, and hope for the poor. Go a head a build a shrine. Maybe your son will be inspired. Maybe want to be a saint.
Birthday blessings!
Kitchen Madonna

July 09, 2006  
Blogger Lisa said...

What a nice tribute to your son.
How are you??

July 10, 2006  
Anonymous Hector said...

I loved the swiffer gift! I'm glad he got the joke! The ceremony sounds absolutely wonderful. I wish I was there!

July 11, 2006  

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