What is going to get me through...
So here I am, at that distressing part of pregnancy when everything seems tentative and fuzzy. The schedule, the duties, the day, the night. Urg. I am ready and not ready to do this birth. But the reality is it doesn't matter how I feel about it, it is coming, ready or not. He is coming, our new wee lad, whom I can not imagine yet, but yearn to make real in my mind. I feel him, I know he's there. I just can not picture him yet. I am trying to make room, knowing full well room will be made with no effort on my part if I just wait. I am trying to plan my birth, knowing full well there is no planning such a thing, there is only accepting and relinquishing. Yet I feel this very strong desire to control these last weeks, knowing full well this is a time that will not be controlled.
I want to retreat, disappear for a while, reappearing when my future is known, settled, and I am recovered and used to my "new normal". Alas, my life doesn't allow such a luxury. No, I must engage, persevere, and embrace.
In this process, one I find very disconcerting and uncomfortable, even still, after doing it eight times previously, I am making a music play list to listen to while bringing our new man into the world. I came across "The Glories of Byzantium" CD I have, and one of the best tracks on it is Psalm 103 (102) sung in Slavonic in a beautiful female voice, with comforting male background voices, underlying humming, like an organ, except only voices.
I was listening and looking it up in my bible so I could read along in English. I came across Psalm 102(101) first and read that. Wow. Just how I feel today:
1Hear my prayer, O LORD, and let my cry come unto thee.
2Hide not thy face from me in the day when I am in trouble; incline thine ear unto me: in the day when I call answer me speedily.
3For my days are consumed like smoke, and my bones are burned as an hearth.
4My heart is smitten, and withered like grass; so that I forget to eat my bread.
5By reason of the voice of my groaning my bones cleave to my skin.
6I am like a pelican of the wilderness: I am like an owl of the desert.
7I lie awake, and am like a lonely bird upon the house top.
8Mine enemies reproach me all the day; and they that are mad against me are sworn against me.
9For I have eaten ashes like bread, and mingled my drink with weeping.
10Because of thine indignation and thy wrath: for thou hast lifted me up, and cast me down.
11My days are like a shadow that declineth; and I am withered like grass.
12But thou, O LORD, shall endure for ever; and thy remembrance unto all generations.
13Thou shalt arise, and have mercy upon Zion: for the time to favour her, yea, the set time, is come.
14For thy servants take pleasure in her stones, and favour the dust thereof.
15So the heathen shall fear the name of the LORD, and all the kings of the earth thy glory.
16When the LORD shall build up Zion, he shall appear in his glory.
17He will regard the prayer of the destitute, and not despise their prayer.
18This shall be written for the generation to come: and the people which shall be created shall praise the LORD.
19For he hath looked down from the height of his sanctuary; from heaven did the LORD behold the earth;
20To hear the groaning of the prisoner; to loose those that are appointed to death;
21To declare the name of the LORD in Zion, and his praise in Jerusalem;
22When the people are gathered together, and the kingdoms, to serve the LORD.
23He weakened my strength in the way; he shortened my days.
24I said, O my God, take me not away in the midst of my days: thy years are throughout all generations.
25Of old hast thou laid the foundation of the earth: and the heavens are the work of thy hands.
26They shall perish, but thou shalt endure: yea, all of them shall wax old like a garment; as a vesture shalt thou change them, and they shall be changed:
27But thou art the same, and thy years shall have no end.
28The children of thy servants shall continue, and their seed shall be established before thee.
Then, and only then, did my original quest take on it's full splendor. Psalm 103 is so much more after Psalm 102.
1Bless the LORD, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.
2Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits:
3Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;
4Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;
5Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.
6The LORD executeth righteousness and judgment for all that are oppressed.
7He made known his ways unto Moses, his acts unto the children of Israel.
8The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.
9He will not always chide: neither will he keep his anger for ever.
10He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
11For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him.
12As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.
13Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him.
14For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.
15As for man, his days are as grass: as a flower of the field, so he flourisheth.
16For the wind passeth over it, and it is gone; and the place thereof shall know it no more.
17But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear him, and his righteousness unto children's children;
18To such as keep his covenant, and to those that remember his commandments to do them.
19The LORD hath prepared his throne in the heavens; and his kingdom ruleth over all.
20Bless the LORD, ye his angels, that excel in strength, that do his commandments, hearkening unto the voice of his word.
21Bless ye the LORD, all ye his hosts; ye ministers of his, that do his pleasure.
22Bless the LORD, all his works in all places of his dominion: bless the LORD, O my soul.
I found them to be very, very relevant, and can see how the two of these together are perfectly placed. So now I am reading Psalm 102, followed by 103, and the world is pulled more fully into focus. Feel free to join me in these lovely, ancient petitions and praises.