Who is that fat woman in the mirror??

I was just waking up the other morning, and an idea popped into my head. My body has undergone more changes this last year than it did during pubery. No wonder I feel so out of whack, and slightly unfamiliar with myself. After my first baby was born was real similar to how I feel now. I look at myself, and do not recognize what I see . I gradually made peace with that new body, and tried really hard to marvel in the wonderful way it worked. 5 kids later I wasn't able to work in exercise to my schedule for the first time. Even still, ever so slowly, the baby weight disappeared, but so did the muscle. Then baby number 7, and now I feel so weak, saggy, and almost in despair - I get the sense that at 38 years old, it's too late to pull myself together. Things are so different this time. My feet hurt so badly, ever since this last baby was born. My schedule is in upheaval, and I just don't seem to have the gumption to re-order, re-configure, or "think outside the box". I have to laugh at myself (a sarcastic, evil little laugh), because by trade I am a Physical Therapist, and should know what to do. I would never accept such excuses from a patient. I was not the paragon of compassion, but then that wouldn't help the people get better, if all their excuses had an effect on their treatment. SO, what do I need? Someone to tell me what to do. Someone to be accountable to. Someone to help make this important enough to me. Wouldn't you think that by now, at my age, I could motivate myself a little better that this? Oh, I have purchased many things to help motivate me. Just makes me feel guilty. I have set my alarm clock early, and managed to wake the baby up. Dh can help with the baby, but it just isn't consistant. So, do I join Curves, and try to work it around everyone's schedule? Do I load up on ibuprofin so my feet don't hurt so bad, and get walking when I can? Do I buy an exercise bike, in hopes the proximity to my physical presence would help me stick to it?

In the past I have gone to the Y, joined a friend for walking, and joined a park distict class. What is so different now? We moved away from the Y, I don't have friends around who I can workout with, except one who goes at the same time of day I start school with the kids. I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere now, as none of my friends are still having babies, and most of their kids are in school (i.e. their time is their own). One thing different this year for certain is we are on track in school. Past years we were behind because I would carve out more time for myself. This year I don't as much, except for computer time. One nice thing about computer time is I can hop on the computer when ever I have time Exercise requires more planning then that.

So, if I were a patient of mine, what would I do? I think I'll play a little game with myself, and do a PT evaluation, write out my observations, short term goals, long term goals and a plan, and see it that will work. See, sometimes just taking the time to write these things out helps me to think them through. I'll update with my evaluation later.