Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Who is that fat woman in the mirror??

I was just waking up the other morning, and an idea popped into my head. My body has undergone more changes this last year than it did during pubery. No wonder I feel so out of whack, and slightly unfamiliar with myself. After my first baby was born was real similar to how I feel now. I look at myself, and do not recognize what I see . I gradually made peace with that new body, and tried really hard to marvel in the wonderful way it worked. 5 kids later I wasn't able to work in exercise to my schedule for the first time. Even still, ever so slowly, the baby weight disappeared, but so did the muscle. Then baby number 7, and now I feel so weak, saggy, and almost in despair - I get the sense that at 38 years old, it's too late to pull myself together. Things are so different this time. My feet hurt so badly, ever since this last baby was born. My schedule is in upheaval, and I just don't seem to have the gumption to re-order, re-configure, or "think outside the box". I have to laugh at myself (a sarcastic, evil little laugh), because by trade I am a Physical Therapist, and should know what to do. I would never accept such excuses from a patient. I was not the paragon of compassion, but then that wouldn't help the people get better, if all their excuses had an effect on their treatment. SO, what do I need? Someone to tell me what to do. Someone to be accountable to. Someone to help make this important enough to me. Wouldn't you think that by now, at my age, I could motivate myself a little better that this? Oh, I have purchased many things to help motivate me. Just makes me feel guilty. I have set my alarm clock early, and managed to wake the baby up. Dh can help with the baby, but it just isn't consistant. So, do I join Curves, and try to work it around everyone's schedule? Do I load up on ibuprofin so my feet don't hurt so bad, and get walking when I can? Do I buy an exercise bike, in hopes the proximity to my physical presence would help me stick to it?

In the past I have gone to the Y, joined a friend for walking, and joined a park distict class. What is so different now? We moved away from the Y, I don't have friends around who I can workout with, except one who goes at the same time of day I start school with the kids. I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere now, as none of my friends are still having babies, and most of their kids are in school (i.e. their time is their own). One thing different this year for certain is we are on track in school. Past years we were behind because I would carve out more time for myself. This year I don't as much, except for computer time. One nice thing about computer time is I can hop on the computer when ever I have time Exercise requires more planning then that.

So, if I were a patient of mine, what would I do? I think I'll play a little game with myself, and do a PT evaluation, write out my observations, short term goals, long term goals and a plan, and see it that will work. See, sometimes just taking the time to write these things out helps me to think them through. I'll update with my evaluation later.


Blogger Essy said...

How about exercising with the kids? Maybe even dance or something fun like that. I'm a good one to give suggestions...LOL...given that I'm probably in worse shape then you and I don't even have the excuse of having given birth...but it sounds good, doesn't it?

March 02, 2005  
Blogger Renee said...

Actually, we have been doing that lately, and while I'm sure any activity is better than none, I don't think I can do it long enough or often enough to get me back into my regular clothes. I've been having to buy new ones, a size larger than before I had the latest babe, and I HATE IT!!! But, I will put on peppy music every day, and see what developes.

March 02, 2005  
Blogger ~pen~ said...

please accept this in the spirit in which it is intended, and with love: HAVE MERCY ON YOURSELF, WOMAN!! YOU HAVE SEVEN CHILDREN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!!

you are my hero and i don't have a clue as to what you look like! i love your spirit and your honestly, your humility and presence. i wouldn't care how much you weighed, but as i told another friend of mine i met in cyberspace, you don't *type* fat.

how about small weights - like five pounders - in the living room when you watch dr. phil. ten reps, each arm, until you do 30 and build from there. every day, without fail.

walking, tell me you don't walk or run around like a nut with your quiver of kiddies? i don't buy it. God gave us the ability to bear children and i am sorry, but after being blessed seven times over (not knowing if you have any that you *aren't aware of*), you should bear those gravity defying *issues* and say thank you Lord, for my many blessings and for the husband who loves me and accepts me just as i am.

now don't even think about asking me if i feel the same way about myself, m'kay?

March 02, 2005  
Blogger Julie D. said...

What martha, martha said ... :-)

March 02, 2005  
Blogger Renee said...

Thanks, ladies for the kind words. I have made two decisions, 1. no eating past 8:00 pm, 2. start with 15 min, and then work up (hmm, I really like the exercising with Dr. Phil idea. Sort of neutralizes the guilt). Thinking of this from a physical therapist's point of view really helped. And, I will also express my gratitude more frequently. Thanks again.

March 03, 2005  
Blogger caelids said...

I think it is a form of cruelty perpetrated on women that we are expected to look 25 until we are 50, regardless of child-bearing...or anything else.

November 16, 2006  

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