Wednesday, November 12, 2008

What Now?



I don't know what to write anymore. I was looking back at some of my old posts, I just don't have what ever it was that I had back then in me right now. My kids still say cute things. I still go to church and get regular and wonderful bursts of spiritual joy. I am still doing iconography, just haven't posted any photos in a while. It seems as if all my joys as well as trials are finding refuge in the privacy of my heart, with no ability to be revealed in words.

I still contemplate the world, and my place in it. I just can not form words about it.

My life right now seems so complicated. I have teen girls that need constant direction and encouragement. I have a son, a high school son, away at school who still needs me and I have to figure out how to tend to him from a distance. My husband is, like so many others, struggling to provide security for our family. He needs encouragement and support. My other children are all at pivotal points in their learning and need constant reinforcement to keep progressing. My extended families are going through many transitions and trials. I am pregnant (?!?!!!?) and feel as if I am trying to hold the entire world together, with spit and duct tape.

I have contemplated just shutting this blog down, but I really don't want to. It is shrinking exponentially. I have been dropped from many blog rolls, my daily readership has halved in the past few months. Many of the old time friends have either moved, closed up, or cut way back.

And yet, I love this place. For some reason, I can't be fully open right now with the realities of my life. But I still love the connections I have made, look forward to any comments, and love surfing around checking up on everyone.

Even amid the complications, there is a lovely simplicity to my life. Daily work, daily love, daily creating. I guess for now, that will have to do!

Blessings to you all (few?) who visit here today!

18 Comments:

Blogger Amy said...

Oh, I so understand your thoughts here! I really think it's a season of blogging, even if it is a long one - the season where you have so much to say but no way to say it, or even don't really WANT to say it...sometimes our lives are such a complicated, beautiful jumble, that to extricate the threads of it to put it into words just kind of cheapens the whole thing.

I would miss you if you leave. :)

November 12, 2008  
Blogger Hope said...

I would miss you if you left, too. I read every post of yours and have you on my blog reader thingamajig.

November 12, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cut yourself some slack...you have a lot on your plate right now! And when the time is right, you'll find the words, and you'll resume. And we'll still be here to read all about it!

November 12, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read your blog via RSS and you may not have me, or folks like me figured into your readership numbers. I was just about to recommend your blog to my wife (as reading the writings of a healthy Orthodox mother would be salvific for her these days) but your posts dropped off.

Just know that if you write more, we're still here to read it.

November 12, 2008  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

I know what you mean; I am struggling to keep my blog afloat too.....life is just hectic sometimes, and you have **loads ** on your plate at the moment !

But I follow your blog via Bloglines and I read every post with interest, even if I don't always comment :-)

And you're in my prayers, BTW.

November 12, 2008  
Blogger patjrsmom said...

Having just welcomed a new baby home and still in the throws of the adjustment period, I know what you mean. And...we decided this would be the fall we started homeschooling. Sometimes I just have to laugh at the absurdity of my schedule, but I know too well that this too shall pass--both the bad and the good and I'm trying to savor all of it until it does.

God Bless,
Jane

November 12, 2008  
Blogger Barb, sfo said...

Still here; still reading (usually via RSS. Your question about the baby's gender & the clue you left got me lack in here!) God bless you back :)

November 12, 2008  
Blogger AnneDroid said...

If you've lost some readers, you've gained at least one - me. I only recently found your cool blog and added it to my blogroll. I know what it's like to be permanently tired and to feel a bit overwhelmed. (I only have four kids and I don't homeschool but I do work full time). Blogging brings me a welcome distraction from worrying.

Post when you want. And sleep when you can!!

November 12, 2008  
Blogger Ginger said...

Hi, MPN--

I'm still reading! I get you via Bloglines, so perhaps I don't show up as a visitor. I know what you man about having less desire/interest in you for verbalizing your life and thoughts on your blog; I've been there recently too. Hang in there and post when you can. I'm always happy to see your blog name pop up in bold.

November 12, 2008  
Anonymous CJ said...

Still reading!

November 12, 2008  
Blogger Kitty said...

MPN, I have not posted a blog since May 1 when we had our last snow of last winter. Today I posted again for the first time. Today I also read this post. I hope you will not close your blog. Even if I can't read it every day (or even every month), I often look at and contemplate the icon print you sent me and pray for you.

I am pregnant with baby number 9 (due in February) and life is beautiful & hard & sweet & tiring. I have about 200 photos in my camera and/or my computer from this summer and fall just waiting to be made into blog posts. They will have to wait. Maybe they'll never make it onto the blogosphere. Maybe I will never even print them out or email them to family and friends. But I keep my blog open "just in case." In case I am inspired by your blog or a beautiful day or a teardrop or a kick from the gymnast I am growing in my belly.

You will be missed if you leave, but... don't leave!

November 12, 2008  
Blogger Jennifer in TX said...

Renee,
I could have written your post, though my very humble blog has never had big subscription numbers...yet I find it hard to write about anything at ALL! :(

Be assured I am here reading all your posts and praying for you and your dear ones!

God bless.

November 12, 2008  
Blogger Michelle said...

It's the hormones, lovey. I only feel like I'm finally getting back to being funny/interesting after probably a year of end-of-pregnancy/new-baby doldrums.

November 12, 2008  
Blogger thislittlepiggy said...

Concentrate on the simplicity part. :o)

You know I'm here! ;o)

November 13, 2008  
Anonymous ukok said...

I think what you are experiencing resonates with so many of us because we feel that way too sometimes. I would be so sad if you shut down the blog because your friendship has come to mean a lot to me and it is a direct link to you and to knowing how you and your family are doing. I don't mind if you post once a week or once a month, it's just good to know you haven't fallen of the radar of the blogosphere.

I know being deleted from links can be a liitle hurtful or annoying, but maybe its better than having people who link to you and never actually visit or bother to leave a comment.

I don;t know what i did wrong in 2005 cos since then a core group of people i thought were friends just stopped visiting and commenting on my blog altogether.

Obviously there was something i wrote they didn't like because they are all still friends in cyberspace and comment on one anothers blogs.

I got over it, but i still wonder what it was that bugged them so much.

I don't dwell on it though, i've made loads more blog buddies, and some have been real friendships that blur those blog buddy lines and become important to me in my real time life away form the internet...so much so that i think 'i wonder how X is and if she has got over X happening to her...hmmm, must go send her an email' or whatever.

Stay. If you can.

November 14, 2008  
Anonymous heidi said...

Hi, Renee. Please don't close down!! I love reading your blog. It makes me feel like I'm not missing too much in my nieces' and nephews' and yours and John's lives. It's so hard to be 2000 miles apart and this really helps! I check everyday. You are my inspiration since my kids are just a few steps behind yours. :) I love you. God bless!

November 14, 2008  
Blogger Kitchen Madonna said...

I love how you are so real on your blog! And I totally respect that need to not fully disclose because of our sometime feminine need (besides a few other reasons) to hold things close to our hearts.

Do what you need to do! When you need to do it. I'm sure we'll all be hear with bells on our toes when you post.

Wish I could touch your belly and give you a good hug and see your new cake plate/stand. That was a good deal!

November 18, 2008  
Blogger Laura The Crazy Mama said...

I'm here too! I just peek in once in a while to see your creations and to hear the latest. I have you in my "usual suspects" blogroll which, as you must know, is a VEREEE exclusive club. So, you gotta stick around!

November 23, 2008  

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