Thursday, December 30, 2004

An exquisite pain

Last night, just before I fell asleep, I felt such a sense of dread, as I thought of my children being adults. Oh, how I want them to treasure their childhood! I keep trying to instill just the right balance of protection, preparation, and unconditional love. Times seven. Every day. Yikes! I don't want them to have to deal with all the crap. I feel this way when a friend of mine is pregnant for the first time, and they want me to tell them what it all is like. Or if someone is newly engaged, and wants to know what marriage is like. It is so difficult for me to wax poetic about these truly wonderful parts of life, when I know intimately what sacrafices are required. When I know the slow, painful process of purification that at times feels like a martyrdom. Dying to self is so difficult and painful, and good, and right. How to raise these precious creatures to understand this, to really get them to soak it up, then to stand by and watch them be pulvarized, like wheat being ground to flour. Knowing full well that they need to be purified like gold, and knowing full well how much discomfort they will undergo in the process HURTS MY HEART!! "And a sword shall pierce your heart." Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners!!


Blogger Kitsune said...

I think that the magical thing about raising one's children is that, as they grow, you rise to the new challenges that parenting presents without really having your heart sundered by the changes. When they're five, you weep at the thought of them marrying and leaving home. When they're 17 (as my oldest is) you begin to think practically about what sort of spouse they need, how to get them in a career that they'll adore, and how to make sure that they stay in their faith despite the challenges. I am totally baby-centric-- would cheerfully have another batch of babies and revel in their infancies . . . but as my kids grow up, they really do become more interesting as people. There are no guarantees that one's children won't be totally stomped flat by fate . . . but remember that God mills each of us according to what end product he wants to make of us. Maybe a few of your children will be unground and live happy lives as bulger or stone-ground wheat . . . but the ones that are tested the hardest will be able to rise to heights as the human equivalent of pastry flour. So to speak.

God bless.

January 02, 2005  
Blogger veronica said...

I am reminded of the movie, "Finding Neverland". Jonny Depp's character says something to the effect of:
"Children should never go to bed...because when they wake up, they're a day older." (or something like that!) I can empathize with your exquisite pain! and I'm so glad I stumbled upon your blog via Philothea Rose!

January 05, 2005  

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