The Battle with the Evil Tongue, from Fear to Hope
My main source of frustration, the one that oozes onto everyone and everything, is my husband. Now, he is a wonderful person, but in many ways we dont work that well together. He is rather ubrupt, and hyprefocused on his many projects, and highly sensitive to criticism. I am ever on the lookout, like a radar machine, for any signs of emotional disingaging, implied or actual derision, and in general feeling like I don't have enough priority with him. And I am critical. Now, this is a pretty volatile combination. I can not picture our marriage like this for the next twenty years, and don't want my life to be so full of pain. SO , this lent, I am determined to fight the evil tongue ( I can't control him, only my response, etc, etc...).
At first, I was frustrated and hurt beyond tears - what am I supposed to do when I am angry and feel as if I am being treated poorly? I realized I had no idea how to respond without anger. Still determined to curb the evil tongue, I prayed (some) and fasted (a little) and begged God for help. And I got terrific advice and help from my blog friends, especially m2. Dh and I also went to church alone together every Monday evening. Praying together really does wonders.
Two weeks ago, there was a men's retreat at church, based on the Theology of the Body. This is pertaining to what it means to be a man, and how to navigate manhood in our confused culture. I will say to you that this was the answer to my prayers. My husband is a new man. He has confidence and clarity I have never seen. He now understands something about my role in his life that I was never able to accuratly relate to him. All of a sudden, he is looking at me in an entirely different way, and I have literally felt myself soften up inside and relax. I was WHISTLING in the shower the other day. Haven't done that in years. I know the blush is still on the information he recieved, and we will slip back into our old habits from time to time. But my dh insists that he will never see some things the same again. His eyes have been opened, what was blurry was brought into focus, and what was uneasy for him finally makes perfect sense.
God bless everyone, from the Holy Father, down to the priest who presented this retreat. I think it saved me from a life of crankyness, and instead delivered a life of hope. Hope that I will have the love I need; that the relationship between us, in marriage, reflects God in the Holy Trinity, and is THE SAME LOVE. This is big, big, big.
When your husband refers to you as "God's masterpiece of creation", it does something terrific for your self image. When he refers to your body as a "sacred space", it becomes so clear that God is intimately involved in your marriage. I feel we have entered a new phase, a "springtime" if you will, and am so looking forward to our future together. Again, this is big!!
I feel the effects of this all over my life. I have been dealing with the children more confidently, and with more clarity. I have been so much less hungry, and feeling much more energetic. I see some of the reasons for my over eating - frustration. I can't believe how happiness takes the munchies away! Anyway, I keep cautioning myself not to get overly optimistic, as we are all human and may slide back to our poor habits. But just having the tools we need to come to real union gives me hope beyond measure. Praise God!!